Forgiving

   
    I seem to be on a roll. Ideas keep pouring into my mind. And putting them into words is getting tougher.
  
    In one of my posts, I was reflecting on how chaotic things would be if everybody thought morals were relative. In Brothers Karamazov, Ivan says, 'If there was no God, then everything would be permissible.. Since deciding on right or wrong would be ultimately up to us.' When Smerdyakov quotes it back to Ivan as his reason for killing his father... Ivan start descending into madness..

    Dostoevsky saw himself in all the four Karamazov brothers.. Passion, reason, the saint I could understand.. There are those three inside most of us.. But I sort of disregarded Smerdyakov.. In retrospect, I guess I'm wrong. Now I understand.. The illegitimate son. The son of stinking Lizaveta.. In a way, I could understand how much hurt he'd have grown up with.. But I'm not him. I at least try not to let hurt ruin my life..

     Forgiveness in a broad sense, is easy to conceptualize. I hit someone, they hit me back.. We are fair and square, forgiving is easy.. I might even feel proud that I am emulating Christian principles.
 
     But when I end up paying for someone else's mistakes, it ain't so easy..  Especially since I come under the 'can't speak for myself' category.. Forgiving means both not holding grudges and not feeling hurt by them, right?

      I don't hold grudges.. I can't .. But I find it extremely hard to stop feeling hurt.. Bullying at school, college.. Someone I thought I could trust.. Betrayed me.. Cheating right under my nose for almost a year.... Hurts at times...

      Praying The Lord's Prayer every Sunday is Herculean for me. Solely because of this.. " Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". I know Jesus told.. If we forgive, the Heavenly father will forgive us .. And if we don't forgive, he won't forgive us either..

     But then the question arises.. Isn't it a selfish motive? If I want to forgive others just because I want God to forgive me?

     I'm not bitter- yet. I don't want to turn into a cynical and bitter person either. I just wish things would hurt less intensely.. I know God is still on the throne.. And I know he is there.. Though he might feel distant. With Haydn's Te Deum running on the background.. I feel almost next to nothing... In front of his majesty and glory. Like Job, I can say 'I know that my redeemer liveth'. It's not just about a feeling one gets.. It's more than that. It's knowing. It's just this intense struggle between knowing and trying not to feel hurt..